The Mountain Bee — News So Exaggerated It Feels Honest

Lexington, VA — After nearly a year in hiding, Congressman Ben “Missing in Action” Cline finally poked his head out of the D.C. swamp to host a town hall in Rockbridge County. The event lasted an hour, but don’t worry — half of it was just him reading off PowerPoint slides like a substitute teacher trying to kill time until the bell.

Cline’s big accomplishment? Touting his so-called One Big Beautiful Bill Act — which, in classic fashion, managed to close Augusta Health clinics while “helping” rural healthcare. Translation: if you lost your doctor, blame Augusta Health, not the Congressman who proudly voted for the bill that made it happen.

When folks asked about Medicaid, Cline had his script ready. “We’re not cutting it,” he said. “We’re just making sure able-bodied adults work 20 hours a week to qualify.” Translation: Less healthcare for you means more campaign donations for me.

Same goes for SNAP benefits. “We’re protecting it,” Cline said, while tacking on rules that could cost Virginia $270 million if error rates don’t drop. Translation: Less food for working families, more checks from corporations fattening my campaign account.

On Gaza, Cline gave the same line every politician gives when they don’t want to admit the U.S. is funding bombs that keep landing on civilians: “It’s Hamas’ fault.” He stopped just short of blaming the Gaza famine on teenagers not working hard enough to meet SNAP requirements.

And when pressed about his disagreements with Trump? Cline bravely declared that he supports banning TikTok. That’s right — while clinics are closing, families are losing benefits, and Gaza is burning, Ben “M.I.A.” Cline is fighting the real battle: keeping your grandma from accidentally watching a cat video on TikTok.

In the end, Cline reminded us all what his political motto really is:
Less for you. More for me. Always.