FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Congressman Morgan “Woodbooger” Griffith Vows to Get to the Bottom of January 6 — Because the Rioters Nearly Found the Epstein Files
Washington, D.C. — Congressman Morgan Griffith of Salem, better known back home as “Woodbooger,” has been appointed to the brand-new, third, absolutely-necessary-but-definitely-not-political House Select Committee on the January 6th Insurrection.
While previous committees wasted time on such trivial matters as who incited the mob, who planned the attack, and whether democracy itself nearly fell, Woodbooger says this one will finally focus on the real danger: the rioters came dangerously close to stumbling across the Epstein Files.
“If those hooligans had gotten their hands on the Epstein Files,” Griffith said, “the American public might have discovered things that could’ve forced me to return all the campaign money the Epstein Billionaire Boys have so generously written me over the years. We can’t let that happen. Not now, not ever.”
The new committee, hand-picked by Speaker Mike Johnson and stacked with the loudest mouths Congress could muster, will comb through the events of January 6 with one question in mind: How close did these knuckleheads come to unmasking the donor class?
Griffith, long known for his stalwart defense of billionaires’ privacy rights, assured reporters that he is committed to transparency — but only the kind that keeps his fundraising opaque.
“Let’s be honest,” he said. “Less health care for working folks means more billionaire donations for me. Less disposable income in your pocket means more corporate checks in mine. But if the Epstein Files ever see daylight, well, that gravy train derails quick. That’s why I take this appointment so seriously.”
Critics note that Griffith has already served on at least one other Jan. 6 committee, and both failed to produce anything but press releases and finger-pointing. Supporters counter that this time will be different, because billionaires are involved.
The Woodbooger himself summed it up best: “I’m not here to protect democracy. I’m here to protect donors. If we lose them, we lose everything.”