The Mountain Bee — News So Exaggerated It Feels Honest

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Morgan “Woodbooger” Griffith isn’t losing any sleep over the latest government shutdown. In fact, he’s grinning like a possum in a corn crib. Why? Because as long as Washington’s lights are off, the Epstein Files stay sealed, the investigations stop, and the billionaire checks keep rolling in.

“The House did its job,” Woodbooger claimed, even though the House didn’t actually pass a continuing resolution and the government is, well, closed. “It’s not meant to solve all the problems of the world,” he said. “It’s meant to keep things moving.” Which is a funny way to describe the total standstill he just helped create.

For working folks across Southwest Virginia, the shutdown means delays, lost paychecks, and higher healthcare costs. But for Woodbooger and his billionaire donor buddies, it’s smooth sailing, fewer meetings, fewer hearings, and zero chance anyone at the Department of Justice has time to dust off those pesky Epstein documents.

Griffith insists the shutdown is about “responsible budgeting.” But everyone in the Ninth knows what that really means: when the government’s broke, billionaires make bank.

Asked about health premiums doubling under the shutdown chaos, Woodbooger brushed it off like lint on a lapel. “That’s something we’ll deal with later,” he said. Translation: we’ll deal with it right after the next campaign fundraiser at a private golf club in Florida.

The shutdown has federal workers scrambling, small towns worrying, and families tightening their belts — but not Morgan. The man thrives in the dark. Every day the government stays closed is another day the sunlight can’t reach his donor list or the sealed evidence locker marked “Epstein.”

So while America’s wheels grind to a halt, Woodbooger’s campaign account keeps humming along. He calls it “fiscal responsibility.” The rest of us call it what it is — a billionaire protection plan with a free vacation for Congress.