MEMPHIS — Senator Marsha “Go-Fund-Me” Blackburn praised President Trump’s latest “law and order” show of force in Memphis this week, applauding the FBI, DEA, and even the National Guard for rounding up gang members and flexing federal muscle.
But behind the smiles, aides say Blackburn is secretly nervous about logistics. “Sending too many troops to Memphis to protect the trains is one thing,” Blackburn reportedly fretted. “But who’s going to guard the Epstein Files in D.C.? That’s the kind of national security risk that keeps my campaign account up at night.”
Blackburn proudly reminded reporters that more than 500 arrests have been made in Memphis and over 120 indictments handed down. She then pivoted, whispering to a donor, “That’s all fine, but we cannot afford even a single private’s boot to leave Washington if it means those files might get cracked open. Do you realize how many campaign checks depend on keeping that lid shut?”
The senator touted her new “restoring law and order” bill, which would end cashless bail for poor defendants. Critics noted the proposal did not include a single provision for wealthy predators with private islands and private jets. “Funny how that works,” one Tennessee voter quipped. “Steal a bicycle, Marsha wants you locked up for life. Buy an Epstein vacation package, Marsha sends you a thank-you note.”
At press time, Blackburn’s office announced she was exploring a new “Protect the Donors Act,” which would officially reassign half of the National Guard to watch over sealed Epstein files — just to make sure the checks keep clearing.