🐝 Mountain Bee Breaking News:

— News So Exaggerated It Feels Honest: By the Mountain Bee Investigative Staff (and One Very Nervous Electrician)

WISE, VA — In a bold new approach to public relations, the Wise County Board of Supervisors has hired former 1980s television pitchman Joe Isuzu to convince voters to approve this November’s referendum allowing the county to borrow millions to create a government-owned electric authority.

The Board introduced Joe at a special “strategic marketing session” held Wednesday in the courthouse basement, right between the vending machines and the county’s emergency generator.

“Folks, I’m Joe Isuzu,” the salesman announced proudly, flashing a smile that once sold small trucks and shattered corporate dreams. “I sold so many cars in the ’80s, I bankrupted the motor company. And I promise to do the same for Wise County!”

The Supervisors nodded politely, unsure whether to clap or call the Finance Director.

Joe pulled out a flip chart labeled “Step 1: Build Trust.”
“You’ve got to show voters you know what you’re doing,” he said. “So — do any of you have experience running an electric utility?”

Supervisor #1  raised his hand. “I pay my own electric bill every month.”

Supervisor #2 added, “I own a whole drawer full of extension cords.”

The rest murmured approval, confident that collectively they’d formed what Joe called “a fully energized management team.”

Joe Isuzu clicked to the next slide. “Let’s highlight your business successes. Tell me about your most profitable project.”

There was an awkward pause until someone whispered, “The Wise Inn?”

County Administrator Mike Hatfield cleared his throat hard enough to rattle the coffee cups. “Let’s maybe… not mention the Inn. We’re still working on… profitability.”

“How bad is it?” Joe asked.

“Let’s just say the lights stay on because we can’t afford to turn them off,” Hatfield replied.

Joe scribbled a note: “Maybe call it an Energy Loss Leader.”

“Next,” Joe said, “you’ve got to prove to voters that you borrow money responsibly. Let’s tell them how you’ve paid down the county’s debt!”

At that moment Hatfield jumped from his chair, grabbed Joe by the arm, and peeked into the hallway. He whispered, “Joe… we don’t say the D-word out loud.”

The room fell silent. Several Supervisors clutched their chests. One fainted softly into a stack of budget binders.

Joe Isuzu looked around, confused. “Debt? You’re ashamed of debt? That’s your brand! You’ve got hundreds of millions in it! You’re practically swimming in fiscal opportunity!”

As the meeting continued, Joe proposed slogans for the referendum campaign:

The Supervisors nodded slowly, scribbling ideas on the backs of unbalanced budgets they still haven’t fixed.

When asked whether the county had any empty industrial parks available for future power facilities, one member replied, “We’ve got dozens — they’re already pre-cleared and completely tenant-free!”

“Perfect,” Joe said. “Let’s power those empty buildings with optimism.”

Following the meeting, the Board released a joint statement praising Joe Isuzu’s “innovative messaging approach.”
“We believe Mr. Isuzu’s honesty and proven track record of creative exaggeration are exactly what Wise County needs,” the statement read.

The Treasurer, reached for comment, said simply, “If they let Joe handle the finances, at least the lying will be professional.”

As the press conference ended, Joe Isuzu waved to reporters and shouted his new slogan:

“Vote YES for the Wise County Electric Authority — because nothing powers the future like Bigger Government and Borrowing Money!!”

“He’s lying — but he’s our kind of liar.”
— Anonymous Supervisor

“Finally, someone who makes our budget numbers sound believable.”
— County Administrator (whispered off the record)

“If Joe can sell this idea to voters, we’re putting him in charge of the I.D.A. next.”
— Economic Development Director

“He said ‘debt’ out loud. I still get chills.”
— Board Member recovering in Administrator's office