🐝 Mountain Bee Exclusive: “Governor to Virginians — Come On Over Y’all, the Water’s... Uh, Sorta Fine”

CHARLESTON, WV — In a bold move that shocked absolutely no one, West Virginia Governor Patrick Morrisey took to the airwaves this week to invite Virginians—fresh off their blue-tinged election results—to pack up their Teslas, kale chips, and critical thinking skills and head west for “a taste of freedom.”

“West Virginia is open for business and freedom,” Morrisey declared proudly, standing in front of a “Wild and Wonderful” banner that local teachers have been using to patch holes in their classroom roofs. “Y’all come on over!”

Now before you load up the U-Haul, the Mountain Bee would like to give you a quick travel-brochure tour of your new home.

First stop — the schools.
If you thought Fairfax or Loudoun County’s school-board drama was bad, wait till you see what happens when the entire curriculum runs on Windows XP. West Virginia’s proud to rank 48th in the nation for public education — proving once again that we’re number one at being number forty-eight.

Our kids can spell “coal,” “football,” and “freedom.” What else do you really need?

Next stop — healthcare!
We like our health system like we like our roads: winding, unpredictable, and full of potholes. According to national rankings, West Virginia sits near the bottom for overall health, but we prefer to call that “character-building.” Sure, our death rates are high, but that’s just because folks here live fast, free, and occasionally without insurance.

Third stop — jobs and income.
Median household income here is about what a Northern Virginia lobbyist spends on his Labradoodle’s dental care. But don’t worry, you can always pick up part-time work stacking firewood for the neighbor or helping the state re-count the COVID relief money.

As for poverty? We’ve got that covered too — about one in five kids live in it. So hey, you’ll fit right in if your retirement plan is “lottery tickets and hope.”

Governor Morrisey says we’re a land of low taxes and big opportunity. What he left out was that we’re also a land of low pay and high prices.

West Virginia teachers are among the lowest-paid in the nation, right next to the folks policing the streets and nursing the sick. Our cops and nurses earn salaries that make even Dollar General clerks in Northern Virginia look like Wall Street traders.

And while inflation’s been eating away at everyone’s wallet, here it’s been chewing through the drywall. Groceries cost more, gas is up, utilities are high — but wages haven’t moved much since the Carter administration.

Freedom might be priceless, but you’ll still need to find enough cash for the electric bill.

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Bob from Tazewell says, “I moved here for freedom and the low taxes. I just didn’t realize that ‘low taxes’ also meant ‘no services.’ My kid’s bus driver doubles as the school nurse, lunch lady, and part-time paramedic.”

Karen from Clintwood reports, “I love it here! The sunsets are gorgeous, and so is the internet speed — if you stare at it long enough, you might see a webpage load by Thursday.”

“We’re a state built on hard work, faith, and personal freedom,” said the Governor, as he prepared to sign another education funding cut. “If you want a life without big government (or without big pay checks whispered in the audience), West Virginia’s waiting!”

When asked about the state’s bottom-tier rankings in education, health, and income, Morrisey smiled. “We may be last in a few things, but at least we’re first in liberty and taking care of millionaires and billionaires!”

To which one Mountain Bee reporter replied, “Governor, is liberty gonna pay the light bill?”

Now don’t get us wrong — we love West Virginia. The people here are tougher than hickory roots and kinder than Sunday biscuits. But if you’re gonna invite Virginians to come live here, maybe patch up the schools, fix a few bridges, pay the teachers and nurses what they’re worth, and get folks a doctor within an hour’s drive first.

Because otherwise, Governor, your big “freedom” pitch is starting to sound less like a tourism slogan… and more like a warning label.

“Welcome to West Virginia — Wild, Wonderful, and Wondering Where My Standard of Living Went?”