Washington, D.C. — Tennessee’s own Senator Marsha “Go-Fund-Me” Blackburn has sounded the alarm about federal surveillance, demanding to know why the FBI was snooping on members of Congress. According to Blackburn, this type of “spying” is a dangerous overreach that could have led to catastrophic consequences — like the Bureau stumbling across her donor list or, heaven forbid, the Epstein Files.
In a fiery letter to the CEOs of AT&T, Verizon, and T-Mobile, Blackburn expressed her deep concern that the FBI collected data on phone calls made by senators. “If the FBI can find out who I called,” she warned, “they might find out who called me — and some of those folks prefer to remain anonymous, for very good reasons involving offshore accounts and untraceable flights.”
Blackburn demanded transparency from the telecom companies, insisting they should have “fought harder” to protect senators’ privacy. “We can’t have the government spying on us,” she said, “especially when some of us have spent years making sure the public never finds out who’s been funding our campaigns or flying us to mysterious islands.”
Insiders say the Senator’s panic may have less to do with privacy and more to do with proximity. “If the FBI keeps digging through phone logs from early January 2021,” one staffer whispered, “they might get too close to the donors who were calling about both the Capitol rally and a little side project called ‘Client List Maintenance.’”
Blackburn wrapped up her statement by promising “accountability is coming.” Many in Washington believe what she meant was, “as soon as I finish deleting my call history.”
As one observer put it, “When Marsha ‘Go-Fund-Me’ Blackburn worries about surveillance, it’s not about your privacy — it’s about making sure nobody catches her billionaire buddies with their hands in the Epstein cookie jar.”