The Mountain Bee — News So Exaggerated It Feels Honest!

GLADE SPRING, Va. — Residents across Southwest Virginia reported a rare and unusual event this week. According to witnesses, the elusive Appalachian political creature known as Congressman “WoodBooger” Griffith briefly emerged in Glade Spring to discuss the situation in Iran.

Biologists who study the WoodBooger say the species is normally difficult to observe in the wild. It tends to appear only during election seasons, ribbon cuttings, or television interviews where the questions are politely worded and the cameras are pointed at flattering angles.

But this week the WoodBooger was spotted discussing foreign policy. That alone startled locals who had been under the impression that the phrase “America First” meant something like… well… America first.

Apparently there has been a misunderstanding.

According to Washington translators, “America First” is not a policy. It is what experts refer to as a campaign slogan, similar to “New Coke,” “Mission Accomplished,” or “This Will Only Take Two Weeks.”

The slogan is designed to create warm feelings during election season but should never be confused with an actual governing principle.

Political scientists say this confusion happens often with voters who mistakenly assume that phrases such as “no more endless wars” actually mean no more endless wars.

One senior Washington strategist explained it this way.

“When politicians say they oppose endless wars, what they really mean is they oppose the previous administration’s endless wars. Once they get into office those wars become necessary, strategic, and occasionally profitable.”

Residents across Southwest Virginia appeared puzzled by the explanation.

After all, many voters believed the whole point of the movement was to stop Washington from constantly launching military adventures halfway around the world while working people back home were trying to keep up with grocery bills, tariff prices, and Appalachian Power electric statements that look like a mortgage payment.

But apparently that was the voters misunderstanding things again.

According to experts, the modern system works like this.

Step one: Campaign on bringing troops home and putting America first.

Step two: Once elected, explain that global stability requires a small amount of bombing.

Step three: Remind voters that questioning this process is unpatriotic.

Step four: Repeat during the next election cycle.

Defense contractors, meanwhile, say they are thrilled with the consistency of Washington’s messaging.

“It’s nice to know that no matter who wins an election,” said one industry representative, “American democracy will continue to support the defense sector with the kind of enthusiasm normally reserved for the Super Bowl.”

Back in Glade Spring, locals had a simpler take on the matter.

One man filling up his truck looked toward the television interview and shook his head.

“So let me get this straight,” he said. “We voted for America First, no more endless wars, and lower prices.”

He paused for a moment and then shrugged.

“And somehow we got higher prices and another war conversation.”

Wildlife experts say the WoodBooger sighting may be temporary. The creature was last seen traveling north toward Washington where it will likely disappear again into the dense political forests of Capitol Hill.

Residents are encouraged to remain calm if they encounter the WoodBooger again.

Experts recommend asking only one question.

“Congressman… when you said America First, were you talking about America… or the donor list?”

Officials say the creature typically retreats quickly when confronted with that one.