The Mountain Bee — News So Exaggerated It Feels Honest

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Construction crews working on Donald Trump’s brand-new, gold-plated White House ballroom were thrown into chaos this week after reportedly discovering hundreds of mysterious “goodie bags” hidden in the demolished East Wing — leftovers, insiders say, from the former president’s more social first term.

According to one worker, “At first we thought it was insulation, but then someone found a label that said ‘Epstein Gala — Guest Favors, 2018.’ After that, the Secret Service showed up faster than you can say hush money.”

The discovery apparently explains why Trump ordered the entire East Wing bulldozed without warning. “He said something about needing more room for chandeliers and fewer witnesses,” one aide whispered. “But it’s starting to look like he was just trying to retrieve whatever he stashed in there before the FBI got curious.”

Trump quickly denied any connection, calling the story “fake news” and blaming — who else — Hunter Biden. “Hunter was probably here during Obama’s term hiding all this junk,” Trump said. “Everyone knows I only deal with classy billionaires, not creepy ones. Epstein was a terrific guy until he wasn’t, and then I barely knew him. Barely!”

Meanwhile, the National Park Service confirmed that demolition crews uncovered several crates labeled ‘Donor Appreciation Gifts’, one velvet rope, and a guest list written in Sharpie that simply said “Rich Guys + Underaged Models = America Great Again.”

As for the new ballroom, it’s rumored to feature bulletproof windows, marble dance floors, and a commemorative plaque reading “Built on Integrity and Whatever Was Left in the Walls.”

When asked if he had any regrets about demolishing a historic part of the White House, Trump shrugged. “It had to go. You never know what might turn up in those walls. Emails, Epstein stuff, Melania’s Christmas trees — who can say? Better to start fresh.”

At press time, Trump was reportedly considering renaming the new addition “The Epstein Memorial Events Ballroom”, though sources say he might settle for something more tasteful — like “The Freedom Foyer, Sponsored by Mar-a-Lago.”