Marion, VA — Folks gathered this week after reports of a rare Appalachian phenomenon: a confirmed WoodBooger sighting. Not the blurry kind caught on a trail cam, mind you. This one showed up in broad daylight, stood behind a big sign, and spoke in complete sentences.
Eyewitnesses say it was none other than Congressman Morgan “WoodBooger” Griffith, appearing briefly to warn citizens about a growing threat to Southwest Virginia…
…no, not sky’ high gas prices or fertilizer prices for family farms
…not sky’ high grocery bills.
…not those tariff taxes creeping through the checkout line like they’ve got a loyalty card.
No sir.
Maps.
That’s right. Congressional maps.
According to reports, the WoodBooger emerged from its natural habitat long enough to caution that redistricting might make the 9th District bigger. Bigger. You could almost hear the concern in his voice. Because if there’s one thing a WoodBooger fears, it’s wide open territory he’s supposed to work in.
Experts say expanding the district could require the creature to travel… meet new people… possibly even engage with voters it hasn’t already been avoiding for years.
Risky business.
Local residents described the scene as “peaceful but confusing,” noting that while the WoodBooger spoke at length about district lines, it showed no interest in discussing:
• Gas prices that make a Sunday drive feel like a luxury cruise
• Electric bills climbing faster than a squirrel on a hickory tree
• Grocery costs that now require a calculator and a prayer
One attendee was overheard whispering, “I thought he might mention something about our power bill,” before realizing they had mistaken the event for constituent service.
Wildlife observers with the Mountain Bee say this behavior tracks with known WoodBooger patterns:
Appears suddenly
Avoids real work
Communicates in political abstractions
Disappears before questions begin
The most remarkable part of the sighting? There were reportedly a couple dozen witnesses. Which, in WoodBooger research circles, qualifies as a mass encounter.
For comparison, Bigfoot sightings usually involve one guy, a shaky camera, and a story that starts with, “Now you ain’t gonna believe this…”
Here in Marion, folks didn’t need to believe it.
They saw it.
Clear as day.
Still, experts caution residents not to get too excited. Like all WoodBooger sightings, this one was brief, seasonal, and likely tied to election cycles. There have been no confirmed reports of sustained interaction with constituents following the appearance.
